Irony: How I Hate Thy Name
by Tigerstripes17
Summary: After searching endlessly for more than 8 hours, we’ve finally found what we were looking for: People. Unfortunately, they were crazy Adonis clones with freakishly long hair and sharp looking weapons who were holding us captives. That’s irony for you.


_Irony: How I Hate Thy Name_

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is associated with Lord of the Rings. The only thing that's mine are any OC's that may appear later in the story. Everything else belongs to the head, J.R.R. Tolkien.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1: The Concept of Irony_  
_

The dictionary defines _Irony_ as "a type of sardonic humor based on using words to suggest the opposite of their literal meaning." Oh yes, it is indeed very hilarious at times, don't you think? The _irony_ of this, the irony of that. In some situations, you just can't help but to laugh, you know? But, after what's happened to me, I've realized another thing about irony. I hate it.

Isn't it just _funny_ how out of nowhere my two _dear_ friends of whom I'm with on this stupid camping trip, suggested that it'd be a nice day to have a nice little hike. _Oh Haley, look at the sky, clear as ever._ I had a bad feeling about this and I usually follow my instincts but this _one _time I decided what the heck. Sure, let's do it.

So here we are now, with nothing but some select items in our backpacks, in the middle of a huge forest, completely lost. Oh yeah, did I mention it was raining?

"Nickolas. Nathan. McFerrin." The tight words barely got past my clenched teeth. I was tired, wet, and cold in my sleeveless collar shirt and capris and I was definitely not in a good mood. "How the _freaking_ heck, did you get us lost, in this stupid forest!"

The poor victim of my ranting was standing just a few feet away. His expression was nervous and tense, as if ready to flee in case of an explosion, which would probably happen soon if I did not get out of this rain. Lucky him, he was wearing a light brown jacket. It wasn't much, and his strawberry-blonde hair was still being drenched, but it did protect his body from most of the rain nevertheless. My other friend, Michael Shaffer, who had on the same hoodie that he always wore, had on the same expression too. Guess they knew me too well.

Nick looked down and fumbled with the now flimsy and wet piece of paper better known as a map. "We're not lost," _Sure_ we weren't. "We're just…not exactly where we should be."

"Not exactly where we should be?" I repeated, my voice fatally calm. "Our campsite is probably a million miles away and we're standing in the freezing rain with no form of shelter and you say we're not exactly where we should be!"

"Yeah, pretty much."

Deep breaths, just remember, deep breaths. It's not working! I fisted my hands ready to march over there and give him the explosion he's been waiting for when Michael grabbed me by my collar, saving Nick from the gruesome fate that I had in mind.

"Whoa Haley, look" he addressed Nick and I, "we all want to be back at the campsite but we're currently not—"

"Thank you Captain Obvious," I put in, rolling my eyes.

"—and _so_" continued Michael as if there had been no interruption, "we can't be biting each other's heads off if we all want to get back. Now let's just walk around a little and see if we can find some people or something, agreed?"

He looked at both of us meaningfully with his intense blue eyes. I nodded meekly. He was right, of course. If we ever wanted to get back, we'd have to stay calm and cooperate with each other. Besides, if we ever got back, then I could give Nick a more painful torture. Maybe something involving some rope, some pictures, and a little discussion on _feminine stuff_.

And so we began our wonderful journey through the forest, searching in hope of some form of civilization. We trudged through the muddy pathway and climbed over logs and such. I don't know if it was just me, but it seemed like we getting further and further away from where we wanted to go. According to my watch, it was already 4:00 pm and we had started out from our site at 9:00 am. Great, we've been wandering around for 7 hours like mindless zombies and haven't gotten anywhere. And I was starting to get really hungry!

It was around 5:30 when the rain finally stopped. I know we should have been grateful for that but we weren't. For that was when the real trouble started

We decided to take a break since we've been walking for over an hour. We had come across a small clearing and that was where we stopped. The water bottle was halfway to my lips when I heard it.

A shriek. High pitched and ear shattering, unlike anything I have ever heard before. We all looked at each other simultaneously. That sound was definitely not human. Humans could never make a noise like that. It came again, this time closer and we all agreed on one thing: We had to get out of here. We all grabbed our stuff and were ready to run out of the clearing when a rustle came from the bushes. I froze. Why did I get the feeling whatever was coming next was not good?

Oh, that's why. My eyes widened as the most hideous creatures emerged from all around us. Their faces were distorted and didn't seem to have any flesh at all. They were all covered in grim armor and carrying rusted axes and swords. It was worst then the scariest monster flick I've ever saw. I was completely still, my face of utmost horror. I dimly saw Nick and Michael's similar expressions out of the corner of my eyes.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" The voice was deep and sinister and matched the speaker completely. It came from the one right in front of me who seemed to be the leader. He, she, _it_ had a big and burly built and in its hands was a large (and very sharp) axe. "Seems like we have 3 little lost mortals. Looks like we've found our dinner boys." There was chuckling all around.

What? Dinner? Yep, this was definitely not good. What the heck were these things? Some sort of unidentified species that thrived deep in the forest and feasted on lost hikers? That sound far-fetched even to me, but all I knew what that this was real and that these _things_ were right in front of me. I glanced at the others. They were as shocked as me. Oh man, what do we do? None of us had training in fighting and even if we did, we were seriously outnumbered. There had to be at least 50 of them.

That when I suddenly noticed that they were all around us. Crap! They were going to close in on us and there was no way to escape! How the heck did this happen? It was suppose to be a normal camping trip. It was the same camping trip that we took every year, and it always went smoothly, without a hitch. Well, the trip was pretty normal, before I idiotically agreed to go on a hike. Oh man, if I had known we'd be attacked by mutated monsters, I would've stayed home.

The said monsters all raised their weapons and started to slowly stalk forward with hungry grins on their faces. It looks like there's only one thing to do.

"AHHHHHH!" I screamed fiercely as I charged right at the leader. I could hear Nick and Michael's exclamations behind me but I still didn't stop. I knew this was crazy. The thing could just slice right through me with its grimy ax. The chances of me surviving this thing were slim to none but at this moment, this was the only thing I could think of to do. Honestly, what would you do?

Apparently, I shocked them as much as I shocked myself. I could see it on their faces as I drew closer and closer but it was quickly gone as I could see a smirk grow onto the leader's face. Now he just looked at me like I was stupid, and I couldn't disagree with that.

Right at the moment before I reached the thing, I lifted my leg up, prepared to smash its face in. However, before I could feel the contact beneath my foot, I felt another one around my ankle. Icy, sharp pain shot up my leg as my foot was twisted further then I could ever imagine. It hurt like heck but I didn't scream. I just gritted my teeth and clenched my eyes. I would not give them the satisfaction of hearing me in pain.

The creature picked me up by the collar from where I had collapsed and brought me close to its face. I stared defiantly back into those dark, creepy eyes. I may have seemed brave on the outside, but inside I was shaking.

"Fool," it hissed, it's breath upon my face like rotten eggs, "Did you honestly think that a weakling like you could take on the great Urukai like us. "

So that's what they are. At least that was answered, but it didn't bring me any relief to learn it. If anything, it panicked me even more, for I knew there were no species call that. It was difficult to talk with my feet dangling at least a foot from the ground, but I managed to spat out. "I—I had to try."

"Indeed, you are very foolish."

"Better foolish then ugly."

It froze. The air was deadly silent. Ooh, now I've done it. I never did know when to shut up. However, it didn't look angry, rather amused.

"You're a feisty little mortal." It leaned in close, its hot breath against my ear, "I'll have fun ripping your body to pieces and eating every last bit of your guts."

I gulped. That didn't sound appetizing, but it didn't give me time to answer before it threw me behind it. My back connected with the rough bark of a tree, hard. The impact took all the breath out of me and all I could was slide helplessly down the trunk. My foot still throbbed and I could barely see anything.

"Haley!" I heard Michael shout. He sounded angry.

"Awww," came a gruff voice. It sounded far off. "Was that your friend? Don't worry, I'll be sure to let you watch while I kill her."

"Don't you dare touch her!" Both Nick and Michael yelled. I could see one of the, what was it, oh yeah, Urukai coming toward me. This was it, I thought, I tried to do something about it but it didn't work. Now was the time to give up, it was over. I could still hear the boys yelling at the Uri-kais to not hurt me. Oh, how much I loved them so much. You guys were great, always there for me, I'm sorry I couldn't do anything to save you. Bye guys.

But it was at the moment when I gave up hope that hope came to me. There's that irony again. Just before the creature reached me, I could hear a buzz ripping through the air and the next second, the urukai was on the floor with a spear through its head.

Next thing I knew, everything was chaos. More spears came soaring through the air, hitting their target. The high-pitch shrieks pierced the air again as the urukai screamed. And then there were people, dressed in tunics and riding horses, galloping into the clearing, killing all the Urukai. All I could do was watch in shock. Black blood was flying everywhere, some even landed on me, but all I could do was watch until my friends came over to wake me up from my daze.

"Haley!" Nick's face came into view as he grabbed me by the shoulders. I could also see Michael's concerned face right next to me. "Are you ok?"

I didn't answer for a few moments until Nick shook my shoulders again. "Huh?" I snapped out of it and focused on his face. "Yeah, I'm fine, but I think my ankle is twisted." The battle was still going on around us.

"Don't worry, we'll get it set," reassured Nick gently, but then his tone changed to scolding. "What the hell were you thinking? You couldn't just run at them like that? You were totally outnumbered!"

I narrowed my eyes. Well, _excuse_ me. "Well, I'm sorry but I couldn't just stand there and let them kill us! I had to do something!"

"Yes, but attacking them was not such a good idea." Put in Michael, his expression hard.

"Look, I—" But I stopped mid-sentence, looking past Michael's shoulder. The battle was apparently over. It's was absolutely gruesome. Dead bodies of the Urukai were lying everywhere and there was a horrible stench in the air. I've seen movies of battles but this was nothing like it. It was ten times worse. I guess it's true when people say you can really know until it happens to you. However, that wasn't why I had stopped. I stopped because we were now faced with about twenty people on horseback with their spears and bow and arrows pointed at us. Great, out of the fire, only to be put into the oven.

I had to say though, that this group looked completely different from the last one. They were the most striking creatures I have ever seen. They all wore tunics of multiple shades of green and seemed to be chiseled out of stone themselves with flawless faces and nicely built bodies. They were all male though they all had long hair too. However, some had dark and some had light. They all looked different yet so alike with the same sparkling eyes, long lashes, perfect angular nose, and high cheekbones.

But however awestruck I was, I was now starting to get confused. First we had to deal with ugly monsters, now it's tree-loving Greek gods? What the heck? And whatever happened to a gun? Are swords and arrows the new black or something? Still, their choice of weapons looked pretty intimidating, probably even worse then the biggest machine gun.

I glanced over at Nick and Michael. They were both staring in awe too and…jealousy? I inwardly rolled my eyes, typical. Of course guys would be jealous of other good-looking guys. Seriously, they needed to grow up.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand. It was a staring contest for quite some time before one of the god-like creatures stepped forward. He was wielding a bow and had dark hair that fell down to his waist. It was put up in tiny braids to keep it out of his face.

"Who are you and what business do you have in Rivendell?" He demanded this in a firm order. Oh boy, he definitely meant business. I'm sensing arrogance. Wait, did he just say Rivendell? Where the heck is that? Are we still in Kentucky?

"Look sir," Nick began nervously. He felt intimidated too. "We're just lost hikers. We don't mean any har—"

"Mortals do not come into this part of the land," Mr. Adonis cut in sharply, "what business do you have here?"

What the heck? Why does everyone keep calling us mortals? Didn't the urukai call us that too? "Weren't you listening?" I spoke up. He turned the intensity of his eyes upon me, as well as everyone else in the clearing. Nice. "He just said that we're lost hikers. No need to get all rude like that." Jerk.

He paused for a second. "Do you know who you are talking to, girl?" Definitely arrogant, and egotistic too. Did he just call me girl? I'm almost 18!

Seriously, does he know who _he _is talking too? Who does he think he is? The Queen—er, King of England?

"Oh gee, I don't know," I mock thought, raising a finger to my mouth. "Could it be the biggest jerk face in the world because that's what it seems like."

His eyes darkened. This is not good. Shutting up would be nice right now but of course, when have I ever done that? "Or… how about an arrogant, snot head, yeah, that fits better." That was it, he snapped. He started moving toward me in a menacing fashion but Nick got in his way.

"Hey look, don't you touch her man!" His face was set in a threatening glare that probably would have scared any normal person. However, we're not dealing with a normal person are we? Apparently, Adonis-clones do not get intimidated. Plus, he was a full head taller then Nick, which might have keyed in too. But he did back off, though his month was in a hard line.

"Look," I interfered from my position against the tree. Enough of this, we needed to get out now. "Let's not get into a fight. C'mon you guys, we need to settle this in a _non-violent_ way." I looked at Nick and Michael directly in their eyes, trying to convey a message. They understood.

"Right," replied Michael slowly, coming over and helping me up. My foot still hurt a bit but I'd manage. The most important thing right now was to get out of here. I could see the others tense a little, probably a little suspicious. They were looking at us weird, obviously trying to figure out our sudden change in tone. Even head-macho was looking at us rather strangely. "Let's settle this thing in a peaceful way. We wouldn't want anyone to get…" 3…2 "…hurt." …1.

That's when we sprang into action. We sprinted. I tried to ignore the pain in my ankle as I ran through the trees, it was hurting really bad. Every step I took sent another bolt of pain up my right leg. I could hear shouts from our captives and the sound of hoofs beating on the ground. Dang it, I forgot about the horses. At least on foot we can lose them in small places. It was hard maneuvering through the forest, especially since it just stopped raining and everything was muddy. I turned my head around and saw Nick and Michael behind me, (I had always been the faster one). Their expression was somewhat odd though. They seemed to looking past me with wide eyes. What?

BAM!

Before I got a chance to turn my head back around, I suddenly felt myself collide painfully into a tree. Or, at least, I though it was a tree, but no, it was too smooth to be a tree. Besides, trees don't have arms that wrap around you and hold you in place. Slowly, almost fearfully, I let my gaze drift up to look into the fiercest eyes ever. The head-macho himself. How did he catch up so fast? He wasn't even on a horse!

He roughly turned me around and held me prisoner against his chest. His grip was firm, almost painful against my arms. I struggled, but it was futile. I could have been fighting against a stone wall for all the progress I was making. I could now see Nick and Michael being held still by two other guys. They were putting up a fight too, but their results were like mine. We all exchanged looks. This was _definitely _not good. We were in _big_ trouble.

After searching endlessly for more than 8 hours, we've finally found what we were looking for. People. Unfortunately, they were crazy Adonis-clones with freakishly long hair and sharp-looking weapons who were holding us captives. That's irony for you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N There you go, the first chapter. Do you like it? I've always wanted to write a story like this after reading so many great ones with the same plot. I just think it's interesting what happens when Middle Earth clashes with 21st century, you know? I mean, seriously, just imagine this happening to you, what would you do?

Oh, and just in case you wanted to know, the head-macho guy was Erestor. He always cracks me up. I have some _interesting_ plans for him in the future (evil grin). And Adonis was a greek figure whose name comes from the Semitic word "Adonai" which means lord. Yeah.

Well, check u l8ter!

Tiger


End file.
